How Dating Actually Works For Normal People – External Link: “So You’re Not Desirable …”

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/18/opinion/sunday/so-youre-not-desirable.html?_r=0

Many of us have long suspected that a lot of beautiful people quickly pick romantic partners based on looks alone and easily form such relationships. The question then is how does everyone else date?

This article answers that question: People start out as just friends without any expectation of dating. Over time, couples are formed when two people get to know each other’s unique personality and start perceiving each other’s specific uniqueness as attractive. At that point, physical beauty matters a lot less.

My takeaways from this article are:

1. It’s time to cut the political correctness: Whether you are hot or not is a real thing. Contrary to many wishful opinion pieces on the web, this article states that the concept of “mate value” actually exists in scientific literature. In the book Shyness & Love (see Resources), this is known as “social stimulus value”. Elsewhere on the internet, this is referred to as “sexual market value (SMV)” but unfortunately, this term is primarily used by misogynists.

2. Get to know people: Following on from the previous point, if you aren’t hot, don’t try to date the way hot people date – stop expecting people to instantly fall in love with you. Instead, get to know many people – even people who aren’t your “type” – and get to know people at a level that is more than just skin deep. Who you end up finding attractive may surprise you.

3. You don’t need to be “Alpha” to be successful at dating: In other words, you don’t need to be the hottest, richest, and most muscular guy in the world with the biggest car and the biggest waterfront property: You just need a unique personality that you are proud of and can confidently share with other people. The TV series The Big Bang Theory depicts the reality that even geeky physicists who are not considered conventionally attractive by any means eventually meet partners by being proud of who they are and by being different in their own ways.

Until next time my friends, keep dating!

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