My friend Sam recently met Simone, Gabby, and Madison at a freshmen “Welcome to College” party at their dorm. Sam felt that they really hit it off and looked forward to hanging out with them again.
A week later, Sam was walking through the cafeteria with a meal tray, looking for a place to sit. Sam was excited to see the three women and a number of potential new friends sitting at a table in the center, and said “hi!”. Gabby turned to Sam, responded with a bored “hi”, and then immediately turned back to the group conversation. No one made room around the table so Sam stood there awkwardly for about 10 seconds, before leaving due to the lack of a welcome.
Upset at this apparent rejection, Sam asked me why it was so hard to make friends and why women were being so cold. As a good friend, I realized that I had to tell Sam “The Truth”: People like Sam are entitled assholes who expect they should be able to walk up to women, rattle off a few clever lines, and demand that those same women entertain them in the future. These people see women as objects to be “picked up” or trophies to be won. And worst of all, they get angry when women see through their put-on “Nice” persona and rightfully reject them for the scumbags they are. Maybe if they stopped being such misogynists, women would actually like them.
There is only one problem with this story: Sam is not a heterosexual man looking for a date. My friend Samantha (Sam) is a feminist heterosexual woman looking for platonic friends. And of course I didn’t say all those mean things to her!
The point I’m making is that too often people who say these kinds of mean things are jumping to conclusions about the motives of others they don’t like (and/or don’t find attractive). These mean people engage in intellectual gymnastics by inventing a narrative that those others are despicable, without necessarily knowing much about them – all while they are cheered on by armchair Social Justice Warriors on Tumblr.
Now, make no mistake. There are entitled misogynistic men. Sometimes, we encounter men who who have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. But some, I assume, are just good people — people who might just not be particularly popular or attractive. And while no one is entitled to be anyone’s friend or lover, do we need to impugn their reputation just because they dared to ask?
The flip side is that sometimes people who bring forward the asshole and “fake nice” accusations are simply projecting the fact that they themselves are assholes. And they get away with it because they are attractive and/or popular assholes. Let me give you an example. Madison posted this on the freshman Facebook page for her degree:
Madison: SUPER IMPORTANT.
I have a friend who needs a ride up from New Jersey to New York City on the 17th at lunchtime. Would anyone be willing to do that?
Person: That’s pretty far. I think it’s going to be hard to find someone 😦 Good luck my friend!
Madison: I don’t need luck or unhelpful commentary. I need someone who will drive him.
And the crazy thing is that many people actually jump through hoops to appease people like Madison no matter how obnoxious she is. People might bend over backwards, doing favor after favor that Madison twists their arm for but at any point in the future, Madison could flip around and accuse them of having ulterior motives.
So my advice is that there is no point trying to befriend or date people who don’t respect you. Instead, associate yourself with kind people, try not to take rejections so deeply, and ignore the background noise of any mean things that are said.
Until next time my friends, keep dating!