Forgive yourself for not being where you thought you would be by now.
– Terri Cole
One of the key themes of my blog is to pursue self-improvement for its own sake and because, as a side effect, it improves your dating chances. It’s about taking personal responsibility for your own life and reaping the rewards in return.
However, I don’t want one message to be lost in all of this:
It’s OK to have flaws.
As a society, we have a tendency to come down hard on someone who hasn’t had much luck with dating – statements like “you’re weak” or “you’re not ‘Alpha’ enough”.
But everyone has flaws. Yes, this includes that girl who chose to publicly embarrass you instead of politely turning you down. Her flaw could be that she’s mean. And yes, this includes that guy with the flashy car and loud mufflers. His flaw could be that he’s insecure.
On social media, people tend to only post positive things about themselves. As a result, it’s easy to get depressed when everyone else has supposedly perfect lives – when your life has so many problems.
But strangers and acquaintances rarely tell you what is wrong with their lives. As you get to know people on a deeper level, they open up, and you get to hear that they too have problems. For example, they’re beautiful but they have a chronic medical condition. They’re givers but they always get taken advantage of. They have a prestigious job but they’re miserable. They have a gigantic house but they’re up to their ears in debt. They have a girlfriend but they’re in an abusive relationship.
Don’t ever get trapped into thinking that you can’t date because you have flaws. People more flawed than you still get dates.
Change The Things You Can Change
Having said that, this isn’t a free pass to say that you can just “be yourself” and be lazy. If there’s something you can easily fix (e.g. hair style or clothing), you should just do it. If there’s something that’s hard to fix but important to address (e.g. shyness), you should work on it.
Clearly, some flaws hurt your dating chances more than others. Take it from me – I’ve lived it. I’m not great-looking and it’s probably the thing that hurts me the most with dating. It’s not fair that our culture is so shallow and rewards people who were born with good looks, even if they have no other redeeming qualities. But I just accept that the world is unfair and I make do with what I was born with. So I go to the gym and I dress as well as I can. My objective is to mitigate my flaw, rather than trying to become the most handsome man on the planet.
Additionally, I focus on becoming very strong in things that I can become strong in, such as confidence. Confidence is probably the Number Two thing, behind physical attractiveness, that helps with dating. By doing activities, going to classes, and trying new experiences, I can build confidence by acquiring skills and getting good at something.
Finally, there are some flaws that you can’t doing anything about. For those flaws, my advice is to “own” the flaw and move on, instead of being insecure. For instance, if you are balding due to age and a comb-over looks bad, just shave it all off. Be proud that you look strong and bold, and work on things that you can actually change.
Until next time my friends, keep dating – even if you have flaws!