Something I saw on social media made me cringe:
To be loved, you must first love yourself. I love myself.
… said a person who has never been rejected before.
Society as a whole does not give honest advice to people who have had zero luck with dating.
People who felt loved as a child and accepted by their peer group usually develop the social skills and network that results in a steady stream of dates starting in high school or college (and it especially helps if you are good-looking). Some of these successful daters accuse Nice Guys of “seeking external validation” when they themselves have been validated all their life – with unconditional parental love, friends who cared for them, and dating success. Success begets success. Each social or dating success makes someone more confident and this confidence leads to more social or dating success.
Life Circumstances Matter
Imagine a successful dater reliving their life in an alternate reality, where they never feel love, where they:
- come from a broken home with abusive parents
- suffer relentless bullying in their youth
- receive brutal rejections from each and every love interest
- and maybe even have complete strangers walk up to them & whisper “you’re ugly”.
Surely, that would shred anyone’s self-esteem.
It can make them lose hope, spiral into depression, and/or develop an anxiety disorder. It can make them wonder what’s wrong with them.
Without friends or role models to understand healthy relationships and how to date, we should not be telling these people to “be yourself”. We need to give them solutions, which is what my blog is about.
“It’s All Your Fault That You’re Single”
To add insult to injury, some successful daters pile on and attack unsuccessful daters because of the “just world fallacy” – the idea that the world is fair and that unsuccessful daters are terrible people getting their just desserts.
Of course, this fallacy does not explain why serial killers receive more romantic attention than, for instance, Nice Guys – see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hybristophilia.
Additionally, this fallacy allows successful daters to live under the illusion that their success was in no way greatly helped by life circumstances that were handed to them; and that being perpetually single could never have happened to them because of their “sparkling personality”.
You could call them the Republicans of Dating – like the investment banker, whose upper class family bankrolled their Ivy League education, accusing all poor people of being lazy and lacking personal responsibility.
In Part 2, I describe solutions for improving dating success.