When it comes to overcoming perpetual singleness, an often shared piece of advice is to “be yourself”.
This is terrible advice!
After all, you are being yourself and you are single. Other variations include:
- When you stop looking, you will start finding.
- If it’s going to happen, it will happen.
- You’re trying too hard.
But it is insane to think that sitting on your couch watching The Big Bang Theory will result in you meeting a beautiful girl – she having waited for that perfect moment when you had decided to “stop looking”.
What you should do instead is to change your everyday behavior:
- Do you regularly meet new acquaintances and make new friends? This is the best way to meet dates, or friends that can introduce you to dates. If your life only consists of going to work and playing video games, you need to change that. If you have a closed social group that only consists of single guys that know other single guys, break out of that cycle and meet other people.
- Are you ever seen in public? The chance of you meeting someone in your car or shopping online is practically zero. While the chance of you randomly becoming friends with someone at the bus stop or at the supermarket is small, it’s still greater than zero.
- Does your hair, clothing and/or body weight make you look relatively mainstream or weird? Do you think that a date would describe you as “awkward” and/or be embarrassed to be seen with you? Change your appearance if necessary.
- Do you give good first impressions, or do you say things that tend to put people off? If you don’t have good social skills, go to events where you can practice.
- Do you fit roughly into cultural norms? For instance, in some religions, pre-marital sex is taboo. But in America, 90% of adults expect to have sex before marriage. You can either change to fit into the culture or you should hang out with people who share your values. Another example is that a man who is done with schooling is generally expected to have a job or they will be at the bottom of the dating market.
- Are you too picky? Do you turn down perfectly viable dates because of looks, race, money, or social status?
- Do you do some amount of online dating, to broaden your chances?
Everything you do – your behavior – defines your life. It doesn’t even matter if you think positive thoughts like “I am a desirable person and will soon meet The One”. If you continue with behaviors that don’t work, positive thinking will do nothing.
To be fair, if you do think positive thoughts, it may help you change your behavior. But there is a big difference between “may” and “will”.
So think about what behaviors are holding you back and change them. Whatever you do, don’t be yourself – be your best possible self.
Until next time my friends, keep dating!